-
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine."
-
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
-
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
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"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
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"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
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"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
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"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
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"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
-
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
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"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"
-
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
-
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
-
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
-
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
-
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
-
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
-
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
-
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
-
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
-
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your
old age home."
-
"There
are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
-
"Love your enemies: it really gets them confused."
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"Don't be mad at your government. They haven't done anything."
-
"love is
grand, divorce is a hundred grand."
-
"I am in
shape. Round is a shape."
-
Time may be a
great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."
-
"Conscience
is what hurts when every thing else feels good
."
-
"Talk is
cheap because supply excess demand."
-
"Even if you
are on the right track, you'll get run over if
you sit there."
-
"Politicians
and diapers have one thing in common. They
should both be changed regularly and for the
same reason."
-
"An optimist
thinks this is the best possible world. A
pessimist fears this is true."
-
"There will
always be death and taxes, however, death
doesn't get worse every year.
-
"In just two
days, tomorrow will be yesterday."
-
"I am a
nutritional overachiever."
-
"I plan on
living forever. So far, so good."
-
"A day
without sunshine is like night."
-
"It's
frustrating when you know all the answers, but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions."
-
"The real art
of conversation is not only to say the right
thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
-
"Brain cells
come and brain cells go, but far cells live
forever,"
-
"Age doesn't
always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone."
-
"Life not
only begins at forty, it also begins to show."
-
"Jesus is coming, everyone look busy."
-
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited
inventory."
-
"The more you complain, the
longer God lets you live. "
-
"Never answer an anonymous letter."
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"Death is hereditary."
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