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| Military Humour
Page #2
(08-12) |
| All the jokes related to the military are
mentioned in this section. |
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Yes Sir !
It's
World War III and the US has succeeded in building a
computer able to solve any strategic or tactical
problem.
Military leaders are assembled in front of the new
machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical
problem into it.
They describe a hypothetical situation to the
computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack
or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up
with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the
computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responds: YES SIR. |
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Bangety Bang Bang!
Seems
there was a young soldier, who, just before battle,
told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here,
take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and
go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young
(and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of
the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here,
use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield,
holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!"
The German falls dead. More Germans appear.
The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety
Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"
He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the
battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier
walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no
avail.
He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming.
He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety
Tank Tank." |
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Falkland
Island
A
British General had sent some of his men off to
fight for their country in the Falkland Island
Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American
island, three soldiers that had distinguished
themselves in battle were summoned to the General's
office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the
General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did,
however, want to let each of you know your efforts
were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let
each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of
distance between those parts.
We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which
comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one
outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which
comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your
trousers, son! As the general begins the
measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!" |
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We are taught
A US
Ranger and a sailor are in the latrine having a pee.
The Ranger finishes first, zips up, and adjusts his
hat as he heads for the door.
The sailor pipes up, "In the Navy we're taught to
wash our hands after a pee."
The Ranger replies, "In the Rangers we're taught to
not piss on our hands." |
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Giving very odd excuses
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s
were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and
it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed
it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm,
bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles,
and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this
explanation but at least he was here so he let the
G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to
the general panting, he asked them why they were
late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late,
I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but
it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it
dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but
since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting
heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late,
I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab
but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke
down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses
in the road, it took forever to get around them."
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