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Military Humour Page #2 (08-12)
All the jokes related to the military are mentioned in this section.
Yes Sir !

It's World War III and the US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.

Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responds: YES SIR.


Bangety Bang Bang!

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.

Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.

The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear.

The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.

He gets desperate.

"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming.

He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."


Falkland Island

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"


We are taught

A US Ranger and a sailor are in the latrine having a pee. The Ranger finishes first, zips up, and adjusts his hat as he heads for the door.

The sailor pipes up, "In the Navy we're taught to wash our hands after a pee."

The Ranger replies, "In the Rangers we're taught to not piss on our hands."


Giving very odd excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."


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