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| Military Humour Page #1
(01-07) |
| All the jokes related to the military are
mentioned in this section. |
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| I
think
Private
"Sir? If I said you were an idiot, what would you
do?"
Officer "I would jail you for insubordination"
Private "Sir? If I thought you were an idiot, what
would you do?"
Officer "Well, I couldn't do much about that at all"
Private "Sir? I think you're an idiot" |
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Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just
got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died
yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see
me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and
lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the
Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The
rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for
maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died,
report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into
his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way
to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a
bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant
in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that
Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell
him and send him in to see me. This time be more
tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a
mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast,
McGrath!" |
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Recruiting a pilot !
The chief of staff of
the US Air Force decided that he would personally
intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of
our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force
base that will be opened and that all eligible young
men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new
F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked
like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps
recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of
staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and
introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son,
what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and
says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done,
everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general
looks at the second young man and asked, "What
skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood
choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to
do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not
listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this
is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a
pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I
have to chop it before he can pile it!" |
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You mean it
The RSM
of an Air Force Training base had 20 young Officers
to train. He was not impressed with them, at all. He
explained life to them this way. "Gentlemen,
because you are Officers, I will call you "Sir".
Because I am the RSM you will call me "Sir". "The
only difference is, you will mean it and I won't".
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Out of step
As he
was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw
that one of them was marching out of step. Going to
the man as they marched, he said sarcastically:
"Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently.
"I said -- they are all out of step except you!"
thundered the sergeant.
"Well, Serge, you're in charge -- you tell them!" |
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Ambition
An army
Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one
private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you
getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each
day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the
front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major.
He went to the next bed, "What's your problem,
Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are
you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each
day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the
front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem,
Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment
are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush
each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire
brush before the other two, Sir!" |
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Three
Nots
A very
drunk sailor went into a bar and negotiated a
"trick" with a working girl. After they agreed on a
price she took him into a back bedroom so they can
proceed to do their thing. After a period of
exhaustive attempts the sailor asked, "How am I
doing?" The prostitute replied, "Oh, I'd say you're
doing about 3 nots." "Three knots only?" proclaimed
the sailor. The tart replied, "Yeah, three NOTS.
You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not
getting your money back." |
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