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| Lawyer Jokes Page
#2 (09-15) |
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Marriage
& Heaven
A couple
wanted their marriage to be something unique, so
they decided to wait until they died to get married
in Heaven. After they died, they were reunited in
Heaven. They went to Saint Peter and begged him to
get them married in Heaven. After assuring them they
really didn't want to get married in Heaven, he told
them if after five years they still wanted to get
married, they could talk about it again.
After
five years the couple came to Saint Peter and again
begged him to get them married in Heaven. Again he
assured them it would be a mistake to get married in
Heaven made the promise that if they waited five
more years he would get them married.
Five
years went by and the couple looked Saint Peter up.
Now they really, really wanted to get married. Saint
Peter went ahead and had the couple married.
After
only one month the couple found Saint Peter and told
him they had made a very bad mistake. This marriage
was the worst possible thing that could have
happened to them in Heaven. They wanted a divorce.
Saint
Peter said, "Now let me get this straight. It took
me a full ten years to find a preacher in Heaven,
and now you want me to find a lawyer?" |
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Duck
Hunting
A world
famous lawyer was duck hunting in Montana. Recently,
he attempted to cross a fence into a field to
retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer pulled up in
his pickup truck, jumped out and asked the lawyer
what he was doing on his property. "Getting a duck
that I just shot," he replied.
"That
duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine,
" replied the farmer." The lawyer asked the farmer
if he recognized who he was talking to. "No,"
replied the farmer, "and I don't care."
"I am
(insert name here) a famous lawyer from (insert city
here)," came the reply. I am the lawyer that never
loses a case and I'm rich. If you don't let me get
that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck
and everything else you own. I'll leave you
penniless on the street."
"Well,"
said the farmer, "In Montana, the law we go by ...
is the #3 kick law." "Never heard of it," said the
lawyer. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times
and if you make it back to your feet, and are able
to kick me back 3 times, the duck is yours."
The
lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough
neighborhood and figured he could take this old
farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked
the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubled
over, the farmer kicked him in the face. And when he
hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After
several moments, the lawyer slowly got back to his
feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said the
lawyer. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can
have the duck." |
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A
Cold Morning
Two men
are meeting on the street.
"It
was very cold this morning."
"How
cold was it?"
"I do
not know exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets." |
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Third
Question
A new
client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the
client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to
answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third
question?" |
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Another Ten Years
The
lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's
footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated
with honors, and then went home to join his father's
firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed
into his father's office, and said, "Father, father,
in one day I broke the accident case that you've
been working on for ten years!"
His
father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the
funding of that case for another ten years!" |
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Rolex!
A lawyer
opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came
along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was
complaining bitterly about the damage to his
precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!",
he whined.
"You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!"
retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your
stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your
left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh
my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing
the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,
"Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" |
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God
will sue Satan?
An
engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One
day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says
with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in
hell?"
Satan
replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to
come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's
a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there;
send him up here."
Satan
says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."
God
says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And
just where are you going to get a lawyer?" |
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