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Lawyer Jokes Page #2 (09-15)

Marriage & Heaven

A couple wanted their marriage to be something unique, so they decided to wait until they died to get married in Heaven. After they died, they were reunited in Heaven. They went to Saint Peter and begged him to get them married in Heaven. After assuring them they really didn't want to get married in Heaven, he told them if after five years they still wanted to get married, they could talk about it again.

After five years the couple came to Saint Peter and again begged him to get them married in Heaven. Again he assured them it would be a mistake to get married in Heaven made the promise that if they waited five more years he would get them married.

Five years went by and the couple looked Saint Peter up. Now they really, really wanted to get married. Saint Peter went ahead and had the couple married.

After only one month the couple found Saint Peter and told him they had made a very bad mistake. This marriage was the worst possible thing that could have happened to them in Heaven. They wanted a divorce.

Saint Peter said, "Now let me get this straight. It took me a full ten years to find a preacher in Heaven, and now you want me to find a lawyer?"

Duck Hunting

A world famous lawyer was duck hunting in Montana. Recently, he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property. "Getting a duck that I just shot," he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine, " replied the farmer." The lawyer asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "and I don't care."

"I am (insert name here) a famous lawyer from (insert city here)," came the reply. I am the lawyer that never loses a case and I'm rich. If you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana, the law we go by ... is the #3 kick law." "Never heard of it," said the lawyer. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times and if you make it back to your feet, and are able to kick me back 3 times, the duck is yours."

The lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubled over, the farmer kicked him in the face. And when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.

After several moments, the lawyer slowly got back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said the lawyer. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

A Cold Morning

Two men are meeting on the street.

"It was very cold this morning."

"How cold was it?"

"I do not know exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."

Third Question

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Another Ten Years

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

God will sue Satan?

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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