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| Lawyer Jokes Page #1
(01-08) |
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Name Them!
Three
men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead
and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells
them that they have to answer one question in order
to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks,
"There was a movie that was made about a ship that
sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?"
The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent
through. He then looks at the accountant and say,
"How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the
doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1
500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally
turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy
voice, "Name them!". |
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Lawyer's Advice
A doctor
and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when
the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice
on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some
medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked,
"How do you handle the situation when you are asked
for advice during a social function?"
"Just
send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On
the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery
and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account.
That afternoon he received a $100 account from the
lawyer. |
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A lawyer defending a man accused of
burglary tried this creative defense:
My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offense committed by his
limb."Well put," the judge replied. "Using your
logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he
chooses."
The
defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he
detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench,
and walked out. |
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Lawyer and Witness
A
witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the
accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter
inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well,
sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was
exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I
took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid
lawyer would ask me that question." |
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Two
People in the Same Grave
A woman
and her little girl were visiting the grave of the
little girl's grandmother.
On
their way back to the car through the cemetery, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two
people in the same grave?"
"Of
course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would
you think that?"
"The
tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and
an honest man.'" |
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Fire
Insurance
A lawyer
and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The
lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down
and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire.
But my insurance company paid for everything."
"That
is quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I am
here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also
paid for everything."
The
lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How did you start
the flood?", he asked. |
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You
Can't Take it with You
An
old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no
friends. Just before he died he called his doctor,
lawyer and minister together around his bedside. "I
always heard you can't take it with you, but I am
going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in
cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of
$30,000 each. I want each of you to take one
envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on
me you throw the envelopes in."
The
three attended the funeral and each threw his
envelope into the grave. On the way back from the
cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly
right, I am going to confess, I needed $10,000 badly
for a new church we are building, so I took out
$10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."
The
doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a
clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."
The
lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and
ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out
that money. I threw in my personal check for the
full amount." |
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$150
A dog
ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the
counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog
as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor
happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his
neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast
from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the
cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course,
how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few
days later the butcher received a check in the mail
for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:
Legal Consultation Service: $150 . |
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