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|Jokes related to
the medical profession
|Doctor Jokes page
|One day Hum
Jayega went to the doctor with both of his ears
Doctor: So tell me
how u burnt your both ears?'
Hum Jayega: I was ironing when the phone rang and I
answered the iron by mistake"
Doctor: But how did you burn both of them?
Hum Jayega: Well, as soon as I put the iron down,
the phone rang again.
what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood.
Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need
for that. You will find that in your bill.
Operator, operator, call me an
ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
In my will
The patient shook his doctor's hand
in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to
insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had
mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor
emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd
like to make a little change..."
A man goes to the
doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I
think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The
doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine
with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you
drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The
doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw
vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really
worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the
diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as
you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I
have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an
Bad news, good
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident
involving a train.
I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured
so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the
Doctor: There's a
guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
You are dying
A man hasn't been feeling well, so
he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor
comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the
doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh,
that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the
doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks?
What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
"Doctor, are you sure
I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about
a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally
he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat
someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
A man went to see his
doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they
On his next visit the
doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit
the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all
the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested
the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the
doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
Call the doctor
A guy walks into work,
and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss
says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the
phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but
what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"